No Choice, No Reason, No Remorce

I wish things could of been different, I wish things could stay the same, I wish we could be together. But this is one thing that doesn't happen. There are many things I could wish to tell you, many things you need to know but will never know because this is not about me but about what makes me I am made up with three parts ego, two parts of smart quips, and five parts imagination. I wish I could do the right thing, to act the right way but I am who I am, I don't think I can't change it. I am stuck, stuck in my self-loathing ways. Even when I get what I always wanted it just might be not good enough, it just might be redundant. Sometimes in my life I have a feeling of falling, a sudden endless downfall. The thoughts of what could of been rushes through my mind. I feel like I live in a obtuse world it is unkind, unreliably, unfaithful, indistinguishably, and unfaithful. It is a cold world of one minded people, self riotous people. I walk the street and I am alone, I walk by the river alone, trying to keep what little faith I have left. While thinking of plunging myself in the cold winter water just to end my so called life, but I stopped thinking about my worthless life and started looking at the sky. The sky was shear mass of the size and the simplistic of the sky soothed me, while I was watching the bright stars. Yet I feel drunk, I just feel blind drunk and nothing to hold onto while my world is spinning out of control. I just wish why this happened to me? why do I have such bad luck, why is my life the way it is, I try everything to be happy. Is it because of the choices that I had made, or is it a big screw you from the great almighty. Or is it because I don't deserve to be happy, I am just supposed to feel pain, and suffering. But all I wanted was to be normal, to have a family, to have something more then nothing, to be apart of a whole. To just be able to feel something other then. While laying on the patch of grass wishing to be back at the one October day that changed everything, the one October sky, the day that I would like to live forever. On that one October sky. Sometimes I just wish I could wake up from this dream and get back to reality, to get back to the family I wished I had, to get back to the real world. With the memories of the past that haunts me. The twisted world that I live in with the twisted memories of the past, and with the knowledge of the future. I wish things could change. I come to my senses and got up and started walking again. I began to start running, running from my life, from my past, from my memories, running from her the one that tortures me, the one that keeps me awake at nights the one I wish I could see again, the one that runaway, the one that died, the one I couldn't save. I punished myself for what happened to her, I can't change what had happened to her. Now I keep my eyes open to see what this sick world is doing to the people who are in it. I am at the point of no return, when I walked up to this complete stranger asked if he had a light, reaching for his pockets I pulled out my glock 17 and fired two shots to his head. It didn't matter if I shot a man in cold blood in the middle of the road in a busy filled road because that night is the day that will be the end of me. I put the gun to my head and cried out death is the only way! and extreme silence came after. Some say he killed that man because he was crazy, some say he killed that man because he killed someone so dear to him, Some might say it was the only way out. But everything comes to an end.