No Choice, No Reason, No Remorce

I wish things could of been different, I wish things could stay the same, I wish we could be together. But this is one thing that doesn't happen. There are many things I could wish to tell you, many things you need to know but will never know because this is not about me but about what makes me I am made up with three parts ego, two parts of smart quips, and five parts imagination. I wish I could do the right thing, to act the right way but I am who I am, I don't think I can't change it. I am stuck, stuck in my self-loathing ways. Even when I get what I always wanted it just might be not good enough, it just might be redundant. Sometimes in my life I have a feeling of falling, a sudden endless downfall. The thoughts of what could of been rushes through my mind. I feel like I live in a obtuse world it is unkind, unreliably, unfaithful, indistinguishably, and unfaithful. It is a cold world of one minded people, self riotous people. I walk the street and I am alone, I walk by the river alone, trying to keep what little faith I have left. While thinking of plunging myself in the cold winter water just to end my so called life, but I stopped thinking about my worthless life and started looking at the sky. The sky was shear mass of the size and the simplistic of the sky soothed me, while I was watching the bright stars. Yet I feel drunk, I just feel blind drunk and nothing to hold onto while my world is spinning out of control. I just wish why this happened to me? why do I have such bad luck, why is my life the way it is, I try everything to be happy. Is it because of the choices that I had made, or is it a big screw you from the great almighty. Or is it because I don't deserve to be happy, I am just supposed to feel pain, and suffering. But all I wanted was to be normal, to have a family, to have something more then nothing, to be apart of a whole. To just be able to feel something other then. While laying on the patch of grass wishing to be back at the one October day that changed everything, the one October sky, the day that I would like to live forever. On that one October sky. Sometimes I just wish I could wake up from this dream and get back to reality, to get back to the family I wished I had, to get back to the real world. With the memories of the past that haunts me. The twisted world that I live in with the twisted memories of the past, and with the knowledge of the future. I wish things could change. I come to my senses and got up and started walking again. I began to start running, running from my life, from my past, from my memories, running from her the one that tortures me, the one that keeps me awake at nights the one I wish I could see again, the one that runaway, the one that died, the one I couldn't save. I punished myself for what happened to her, I can't change what had happened to her. Now I keep my eyes open to see what this sick world is doing to the people who are in it. I am at the point of no return, when I walked up to this complete stranger asked if he had a light, reaching for his pockets I pulled out my glock 17 and fired two shots to his head. It didn't matter if I shot a man in cold blood in the middle of the road in a busy filled road because that night is the day that will be the end of me. I put the gun to my head and cried out death is the only way! and extreme silence came after. Some say he killed that man because he was crazy, some say he killed that man because he killed someone so dear to him, Some might say it was the only way out. But everything comes to an end.

Crowded People, With Clouded Faces

At first it might be hard for someone to see me surrounded by a large amount of people because I am very shy at first. Once you bare some time with me I would get under your skin. Once I get comfortable I loosen up and show my real self. When this happens you would no exactly who I am. I might make mistakes, I might say the wrong thing, everything that I seem to do keeps me one step behind other people. See a lot of people just give up and don't want to take the chance to get to no me. Well to bad for them I just might be the greatest or worst person that you might ever meet. It is you choice to pick which one I am. I bring a presence with me. Some might say that I'm childish, some might say that I don't act my age, some might even go as bold as to say that I am mindless, brainless, and foolish, and even careless. I don't have a word to describe myself. I am just myself. I really have know clue how people see me because who knows what those certain people who are deciding what they think of me. I think we are who other people think we are. I think that people act a different way with different people so we can make a decent amount of friends. I think we do this because we want to be liked. It is like a drug being liked nobody wants to be off it, nobody whats to be not liked so we change and adapt to our environment. Although it might be hard to find me and point me out in a crowed well that is the whole point of this blog to write something about ourselves on how we think of ourselves because at the end of the day that is what it is. It is something that can't be changed. But it seems what ever we think of ourselves doesn't seem to matter because we could think of ourselves as something positive but other people could just think the worst of you me and everyone. It is always up to the people to decide who we are, and tag us into a certain group. At the end of the day I can't stop people from having there thoughts of me, I can't stop them from how they think of me, I even can't stop people from liking me. All I can really do is just try to be myself or the way that people think of me. But what I really want is to be my own person, to be someone that people can accept in there world, someone close to my personality, someone close to who I am. Someone like my twin! if I had a twin, if I wanted a twin. All I am trying to say is that I am who I am nothing more nothing less. What you see is what you get, if you don't like what you get then just "get dead!" if you do then make the best of it. All joking aside if you see me in a crowd come right up and say hi, or don't... I don't want to push you or anything. But just do what you think is right. It is getting pretty late out the moon is out, the snow is falling, the stupid wind is blowing, and I am now freezing just writing about it . Tell next time I will see you when I see you, if I don't get to see you then you don't get to see me. Good night to everyone and good luck reading this.

A Boy Who Had A Green Shirt

Once upon a time there was a boy in a green shirt nobody seem to no who was this boy. Nobody seem to understand how can a small boy such as him be alone in the middle of the street. Everytime someone saw this boy alone on the side walk they felt bad for him.  But we are just people at the end of the day we would drive off and never think twice about the people that need help. The people who have no where else to go to. People just never seem to care about our fellow man. Like everything else this story is about the boy wearing a green shirt. A shirt that is beaten down and torn, torn and stain with dirt and blood. Blood from living life outside the guarded homes. Inside the empty street of danger and pain. Outside where boys are faced to grow up too soon and take care of them selves. This just might be about a boy or it just maybe be about a sad man-boy. Maybe the boy is just a runaway. Maybe he just ran away from his broken home. Or just maybe everyone in his world just gave up on him. Just left him in the cold to die. To die alone in the cold and alone. A boy who has to ask for money and eat from trash cans to survive in this complex world of ours. About a boy who had to do thing to survive. To do bad things to survive, to do things he had to continue his life. Maybe this boy lives in an ivory tower and the tide of shit keeps beating at its walls trying to destroy his home. Or the boy was kicked out of his house by his drunk mother. What if he just was born in a dumpster by a crack whore. Which makes him a crack baby. With that in mind he could have many problems with himself like having liver damage, or organ failure, brain damage. ect or just maybe... just maybe he is a self- loathing adolescent who can't stand looking at himself. Hating what he sees, with self destructive behaviours. But now the boy is not a boy anymore the boy is now a man, a full grown man. A man that is still wearing the green shirt. this man just might be older but he is the same little boy wondering the streets alone. On the streets the man was exposed to all the indecent things in the happy world we live in. A boy becomes man like a puppies becomes a dogs. This man just might hate himself but he doesn't take it out on others around him. He stairs at the families walking by him on a busy street downtown wishing he could of had something even close to that. Something close to having a family but some things that should and what should never happened to him but you can always find this man that once was a boy in the same place in the lonely street next to the coffee shop on the corner of Pope and John.

The News Paper

If I had to choose a newspaper to read out of the three main newspapers it has to be the Toronto Star. If a day comes that I would like to read a news paper it would be The Star. I would choose to read The Star mainly because I like the way The Star designed there web sites, and by having a new homepage layout makes  it easy to find the current breaking news just moments when it happeneds. Also a reason why I like The Star is because it shows the current weather in Toronto. Also because I like the easy way to find the traffic jams through this great city of ours, by using The Star effective traffic report. A great feature of The Star website is the most popular news of the current day, week, month, and the most popular news of all time. That is a good key feature in this website.Aslo The Star is good for getting political or social issues at the moment it happeneds. These are the reasons why I am writing this, it is the reason why I would read this news paper because of all the some what important news. It is the reason why I am here. I am here to read the daily news paper. It's sad but ture for this I end my blog about my love of the news paper.

The Missed Train

I’m waiting for a train, I don’t know where this train is going to take me. But where ever the train takes me doesn’t matter because I’m already lost. I’m lost in this world, there is nothing more in this world that I want is just to be found. You see we live in a hard world, a world full a disappointment, a world full of hate, a world full of the lonely outcast that don’t have a home, a world full of possibilities, a world full of stress, stress that consumes us. Over time we have lost a important thing in life. We have lost the thrill of life, the beauty of it, the majestic nature of it, the sun rises, and the sun sets. We have lost the spark of life. Really living life. Hours spent watching TV, playing games, working, sleeping, doing the same thing over and over again, and we blink and its all over. Time wasted, on what we think is important. The media did this to us, the media told us what we should be not what we are, the media tells us to be something to do something important. Media tells us what they think is the perfect life. The American dream where everybody has a white picked fence with 2.5 kids and two cars. Life used to be simpler, but like everything our heads got in the way. I see life passing through each car while I was watching the train passing by. Some people say that a picture is worth a thousand words. For every picture there is a endless amount of questions that one would ask about a single photograph. While standing here I start to think about life. Life how I see it, life how others see it, and life how animals’ see it. It is funny how something so simple as a waiting for a train at the subway station can be so mesmerizing.
The breeze of air hits my face while the train passes by at a great speed. If it is waiting for a train or waiting for a bus or waiting for a storm to pass. The one thing that I really know is that there is nowhere I’d rather be than here waiting for a train to take me far away from here.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ermiskasapis/4111808391/

A Day That's Worth Having

Best day ever. The definition of a best day ever, is a day in ones life that something great that happened to ones day that stuck with them the rest of their lives. Well a best day ever hardly ever comes. That’s why it is so rare to have a best day in your life. Most people in the world have moment in there lives that will be categorized as a best day in there life.
One of my best days ever must be the days I have to write because when I write nothing else seems to matter. When I write a sudden feeling of peace comes over me. Writing is my passion, writing is my escape out of this world. Writing is my new found love. Most of the time my writing would be hard to follow, it might not be clear, it might even be incoherent. But when I write it opens a world full of possibilities, when writing became a part of my life. That is to me the best day ever. The days I get a chance to write are the best day in my life. With the light dimming and the days shortening everyday counts. It is best to make the most of our time here. For me making the best of my life is to write. To keep on writing, to never stop writing.
There are many things that inspire me. It could be something I see outside, something I dreamed about, what I watched on TV, or just about anything that comes to my head, when there isn’t anything on my mind I just pick up a book that’s laying around and started to copy the sentences down until I start writing something that is all me.Gustave Flaubert once said "I always tried to live in a ivory tower but the tide of shit is beating at its walls, trying to undermine it." That quote best defines my attitude. You see writing does not come easy for me it is the hardest thing for me to do. But there is nothing else I’d rather do then write. Writing to me is like a good itch, the more we itch we barley scratch through the service. There is so much to write about that is what makes me so stuck on what to write about. I’d think I said enough about my best day ever. So go home, go somewhere new, go look for the unexpected and you just might find something worth writing. With any luck in doing so that day just might become the next best day you have ever had.

The Road To Elated Happiness

Elated are what people seeking but many can not find. People actually strive on the concept to be in complete bliss. There is no such thing in complete bliss. I'm not a cynic I just have my beliefs and I believed that we all have individual times of true happy moments. The rest is everything else. If elated is possible to achieve I hope everyone can achieve it.

Happiness is a state of mind some people think that they are happy when they are rich, some people are happy when they are rich. Happiness is the goal for most people is to be happy. For some people it is hard for them to be happy. With all the stress of life it could really bring people down. For some people happiness is unobtainable. With the constant pressure in life now the rate of depression has increased. When someone who does not have any type of happiness in there lives

Elated happiness is sometimes hard to achieve. But once we found and achieve true happiness life becomes more better. Life is like a road trip. There’s are good times, bad times, funny times, peaceful times, boring times, times you wish you could have more of those long trips in the car. To me that is how I sum up happiness because it expresses who we are. It reminds us of our childhood. Nevertheless if you have happiness or elated happiness, or what ever we should be happy that we can be happy if it is in the moment or in the past. With out happiness it makes us feel dead like we are Frankenstein waiting for sock to bring us back too life. That is the elated happiness of the road that we call life.